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  • 2 weeks later...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of his Porsche.His father said he'd make a deal with his son,"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the Porsche."

 The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

 After about six weeks his father said,"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."The boy said,"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:-

 Samson had long hair,  John the Baptist had long hair,  Moses had long hair,  and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

  Dad replied 

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"  

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?   To get to the same side.

This guy is driving along in his Porsche, minding his own business, when all of a sudden a police car pulls up along side him, with lights flashing.  The cop indicates for him to pull over.  So he speeds up.  Up to 80, in a 60 zone.  The cop pulls up along side him again and indicates for him to pull over.  So he speeds up again.  Now he;s doing 100.  Still, the cop pulls up along side him.  So he speeds up again.  Now he's doing 180, and the cop is still along side him, yelling at him to pull over.  Feeling defeated, he finally pulls over.  The cop comes up to the window and says "sir, what's going on?  Every time I told you to pull over you sped up."   "Well it's like this' the guy says.  "A few years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.  I thought it was you and you were bringing her back".

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  • 2 weeks later...

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
 As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


 

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 Other than making him go shopping with her... :P

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
 As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


 

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Qantas Airlines: Repair Division 


In case you need a laugh: 
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. 
 
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. 
 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. 
 
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. 
 
 
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. 
 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 
 
P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 
 
P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 
 
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!) 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 
 
P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 
 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 
 
And the best one for last.................. 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget. 


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When I was young I baked an apple tart. I then drove it to Dubbo, Kalgoorlie and Frankston.
All because my maths teacher said I should always take pie to three dismal places.

My girlfriend wanted to get a tattoo on one of her breasts. I said she couldn't have one. We argued all night and into the morning. We reached a compromise after a tit for tat battle.

 

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Sounds like your dad joke skills are finely honed...

Tit, don't laugh, I know you're not, but this is your future too. 

It happens, you're going a long fine and then you'll do something or say something and suddenly you realise that you have turned into your father. 

Edited by Peter M
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Tit, don't laugh, I know you're not, but this is your future too. 

It happens, you're going a long fine and then you'll do something or say something and suddenly you realise that you have turned into your father. 

Thats not ideal. It would probably result in divorce...

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