OZ930 Posted 4December, 2015 Report Share Posted 4December, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew F Posted 5December, 2015 Report Share Posted 5December, 2015 The Man Song. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew F Posted 5December, 2015 Report Share Posted 5December, 2015 StevepGT3, Peter M, Niko and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tit Posted 12December, 2015 Author Report Share Posted 12December, 2015 Stew F 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 24December, 2015 Report Share Posted 24December, 2015 Did you hear that Santa isn't allowed to go down chimneys this year? It's been banned by the elf and safety committee.This year we thought we would not have a hot Christmas lunch. As a result we are going to try going cold turkey. Flatout and Stew F 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew F Posted 24December, 2015 Report Share Posted 24December, 2015 Did you hear that Santa isn't allowed to go down chimneys this year? It's been banned by the elf and safety committee.This year we thought we would not have a hot Christmas lunch. As a result we are going to try going cold turkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 28December, 2015 Report Share Posted 28December, 2015 I was walking down the shops with the Wife, we walked past a restaurant that smelled delicious. I thought, bugger it, the wife has worked hard and deserves a treat. So I walked her past it again!--Wife sends her husband to the supermarket to buy some green olives. Husband: But what if they don't have any green olives?Wife: Then get stuffed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Posted 28December, 2015 Report Share Posted 28December, 2015 (edited) Qantas Airlines: Repair Division In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. (Sorry - re-post from 3 Dec) Edited 29December, 2015 by Rob ByronBayChris, tazzieman and Niko 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 30December, 2015 Report Share Posted 30December, 2015 A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found yournote asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"The blonde said,"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"Wait for itThe blonde said,"No, just up to my tits ...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tit Posted 30December, 2015 Author Report Share Posted 30December, 2015 ByronBayChris and tazzieman 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shady Speedway Posted 30December, 2015 Report Share Posted 30December, 2015 Somebody just asked me what I would be doing in 5 years time.... I told them I don't have 2020 vision. ByronBayChris and Peter M 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airhead Posted 30December, 2015 Report Share Posted 30December, 2015 Can't use that one tomorrow . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tit Posted 1January, 2016 Author Report Share Posted 1January, 2016 (edited) 2-fer... *********** Edited 1January, 2016 by Tit ByronBayChris, SteveF, tazzieman and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tit Posted 1January, 2016 Author Report Share Posted 1January, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Posted 3January, 2016 Report Share Posted 3January, 2016 Met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?'What's that?' I asked'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom… you still awake?' tazzieman, Stew F, ByronBayChris and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firstone Posted 3January, 2016 Report Share Posted 3January, 2016 Bwahhahaha ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 3January, 2016 Report Share Posted 3January, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew F Posted 4January, 2016 Report Share Posted 4January, 2016 I went to the doctor today for a prostate examination. As the doctor was walking out of the room the nurse walked in. She had a little booklet in her hand. Then she said the words that every man dreads hearing.She said "Who was that guy"? Mike737 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stew F Posted 5January, 2016 Report Share Posted 5January, 2016 Scientists have just discovered the gene responsible for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes. ByronBayChris 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 8January, 2016 Report Share Posted 8January, 2016 http://www.smh.com.au/national/melbourne-man-faces-stiff-opposition-to-penis-signature-20160106-gm0sx6.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazzieman Posted 8February, 2016 Report Share Posted 8February, 2016 If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. Stew F, Mike737, ByronBayChris and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airhead Posted 8February, 2016 Report Share Posted 8February, 2016 http://www.smh.com.au/national/melbourne-man-faces-stiff-opposition-to-penis-signature-20160106-gm0sx6.htmlThat bloke is just a dick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrera28 Posted 9February, 2016 Report Share Posted 9February, 2016 LeeM 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANF Posted 12February, 2016 Report Share Posted 12February, 2016 (edited) Edited 12February, 2016 by ANF Harvs11, Niko, Rob and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Posted 12February, 2016 Report Share Posted 12February, 2016 SteveF and ByronBayChris 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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