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What's putting a smile on your dial?


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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

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Little Johnny's class was learning vocabulary in Health class, thanks in large part to Johnny's use of obscene words. The teacher was going down the list, asking students to use the words in a sentence.

"Rectum," she said, and Johnny eagerly waved his hand, but she had some experience with Johnny, so she called on Susie instead.

The next word was "defecate," and again, she thought it best not to call on Johnny despite his enthusiastically raised hand.

Finally, she came to "urinate," and figured Johnny couldn't do much harm with that one. Sure enough, he raised his hand, practically leaping out of his desk to make sure she saw him. "Ok, fine, Johnny," she said reluctantly.

"Urinate," Johnny said. "Teacher, urinate. But if your boobs were bigger, you'd be a 9."

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Ok little Johnny jokes huh 😁

Anyhooo, little Johnny is in class. The teacher asks the class to give a word for each letter of the alphabet starting with the letter A.

Johnnies hand darts up and even before the teacher responds he yells out ARSEHOLE!! A is for arsehole. Teacher yells at Johnny not to be obscene. So now ok then she says how about the letter B?

Johnny once again but even before his hand goes up yells BOOBS! Big boobs!!

By this time the teacher says Johnny if you can’t be polite and not obscene you can’t answer so you can miss a turn ok?

The letter is  C, Johnny can hardly contain himself. The teachers knows what Johnny is going to say for the letter C so let’s Sally answer with the with the word  cat.

See Johnny, can you give me an answer without swearing? He nods.

Ok says the teacher how about the letter D?

Johnnys hand goes up and he blurts out dwarf!

The teacher says well done little Johnny but do you know what a dwarf is?

Sure miss he says as he holds his palms about two feet apart, it’s a  C%*t about this big!

 

 

 

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"At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”"
 

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"During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

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