What's putting a smile on your dial?

[LeeM]

4 hours ago, Raven said:

Many questions ............???

 

 

At Bunnings, I've watched an older bloke smash his ute rear window with a hammer, then stick some 6m lengths of skirting through the passenger window before 😂

 Have also watched an Asian couple wind down all door windows in their SUV thing, then duct tape a lot of similar length material to the roof through each window. As incredibly funny as that was to watch, it was made fkn hilarious when they realised they couldn't open the doors to get in, so Mrs cut her side, got in and he retaped, then he jumped in the back of the van and they took off with the material bouncing front and back. Reckon my stomach has been permanently damaged from laughter watching that 😂😂😂😂

 Another one was an elderly gent who had no chance of safely transporting some 6m architrave lengths on the roof of his small car. Felt bad for him, so I asked how long does he need them to be? "Coupla three lengths of 1800" 😅  I cut them down for him, then he asked how to cut and fit them correctly in the corners? Knowing he'd still struggle to transport them, I wasn't working that day, so I chucked them in the van, went to his house nearby and fitted them in 15 minutes. Got 2 coffees, $50 and a really bad bottle of red as payment

Bunnings carpark load ups. The gift that just keeps giving 😂

[Raven]

Yeh you see some crackers here in Sydney also , there was a photo getting around of a convertible with a 6 meter length of fascia jammed down under the back set and running over the front windscreen , looked like he was Jousting 

[PhilH]

Back in the day when my 3.2 was the only car I had, I often went to Bunnings and loaded sheets of mesh and 3 mtr planks on the board racks.  Drove home slowly though!  Doubt I would do it now, although I only have a "worthless fried egg 996.1" now

[Rob H]

55 minutes ago, PhilH said:

Back in the day when my 3.2 was the only car I had, I often went to Bunnings and loaded sheets of mesh and 3 mtr planks on the board racks.  Drove home slowly though!  Doubt I would do it now, although I only have a "worthless fried egg 996.1" now

Similarly, I had a 3.2 as my only car for a couple of years, but mine was the tradesman's version with the sun roof.

Apart from solving the poor ventilation, it came in handy may times at Bunnings.

[tomo]

[tomo]

[tomo]

[3legs]

[tomo]

[tomo]

pm

[LeeM]

 Although both are highly infuriating, I'd rather listen to Gladys Whatsherface yabber on about vaccines than listen to that whilst on hold! 

[TINGY]

So we were walking the dog yesterday arvo and my wife found 2 $50 bills in a laneway near home, then, she tried to give it away to someone, the guy said to her are you FKN crazy. The look on my wife's face was priceless, then I snatched the bills out of her hand and put them in my pocket. 

[tomo]

1 hour ago, TINGY said:

So we were walking the dog yesterday arvo and my wife found 2 $50 bills in a laneway near home, then, she tried to give it away to someone, the guy said to her are you FKN crazy. The look on my wife's face was priceless, then I snatched the bills out of her hand and put them in my pocket. 

A similar  thing happened  at the daughters place in Melb, And the look on the Missus was , Maybe not priceless  but more WTF !

[OZ930]

Couple weeks ago, I was driving the school bus, my Covid Job, and was ahead of schedule, so I pulled over to waste time.  I was just looking around when I noticed something on the road.  I got out to check,...a crisp new $50 note.   Beauty, in the pocket and back on the bus.  No sooner back in the seat and looked out.  Couldn’t be.  Once again, off the bus ...another crisp new $50 note.   In the pocket, back on the bus, quick look around and time to go.  At the railway inter-change I relayed my good fortune story to the other drivers.  The comment was

” if you found them in that area...somebody’s going without their hit tonight”

🙂

 

[jakroo]

and that is how the new $50 counterfeit notes get in to circulation....

[Niko]

[TINGY]

Reminds me of this, I have a drinking problem, I have 2 hands but only 1 mouth.

[Joz]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

[Joz]

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a

10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets

weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat

with his best friend, Al.

Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for

the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three

meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning

cat!" And with that, he left.

The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are

things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.

Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's DEAD."

"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?

It was my prize cat!"

"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see

it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,

fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,

and got run over."

John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you

have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it

bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on

the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and

broke its leg', see what I'm saying."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."

"Ok... bye." John hung up.

The next day, John phoned Al again.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

 

"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."

cheers

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Lucky Phil]

Capricorn 1 was a good movie.  The joke about the cat was in the movie.  Oldie but a goodie.

[tomo]

[Raven]

Ricardo Wins Monza .............

 

 

[Joz]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Raven]

In light of the recent Hamilton and Verstappen crash this pretty much sums if up for me 

 

 

 

 

[Niko]

Thinking outside the box (fighter plane) brings a smile to my face.....