What's putting a smile on your dial?

[Joz]

[tomo]

Going out with a few freinds having a meal, A couple of drinks lots of belly laughs and being happy 😊 

 

[Joz]

[LeeM]

 We have a young bloke that suits every nickname on that list. I've told the boss not to have him anywhere near me. 

 

[Joz]

President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

 

"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after amoment's calculation, "there ismeself,
me cousin Seán, me next doorneighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. Thatmakes eight!"

Putin paused. "I must tell you,Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 menin my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks
and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
1,500,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!"

"May the road rise up to meet you!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Good mornin', Mr. Putin! I
am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness,
and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners."

 

[Graeme]

[Joz]

[tomo]

[Joz]

[tomo]

[Joz]

 

 

Prime Minister Albanese was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Albanese , the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So  Albanese (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Albanese  - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained  Albanese - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  Albanese searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Daniel Andrews was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Albanese . 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*ckin' accident either!'

[LeeM]

 Little Johnny in the back is always right 👍😅

[Joz]

[3legs]

 

They are all stupid but I especially like number 12 and 19. F@#king clueless.

 

"THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Joz]

[tomo]

P

[Joz]

[Dalai]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are  freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f***kin one?'

 

[tomo]

[Raven]

[Grimmy]

[tomo]

 

[3legs]

Yep that pretty well covers it.

[wilson59]

Still makes me laugh

[tomo]